Onion type re-post/slightly edited article. turns out, not reals.
Johnstown, PA (GlossyNews) – One thing pop culture has taught nerds: Don’t mess with motorcycle gangs. But is seems that a group of animal rights activists in Johnstown, PA, didn’t get that message. They showed up at a bike gang rally to protest wearing leather, but three have failed to show up anywhere since. Two others who had been reported missing were found by workers “duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters,” according to police officials.
“Something just went wrong,” said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest. “Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong.” PETA attempted to swap out throwing fake blood and cursing at old ladies in furs by trying to hit cyclists “in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats…we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it…ergo, they should stop.”
Unfortunately, the hogs didn’t take so kindly to the drive by pelting of red dyed water balloons from the 1960’s Volkswagen van.
“They peed on me!!!” charged one activist. “They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me ‘La Trene’, and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!”
“I…I was trying to show my outrage at a man with a heavy leather jacket, and he…he didn’t even care. I called him a murderer, and all he said was, ‘You can’t prove that.’ Next thing I know he forced me to ride on the back of his motorcycle all day, and would not let me off, because his girlfriend was out of town and I was almost a woman.”
The head of the gang said that the bikers did nothing of the sort. He said that they simply invited the PETA kids to the party. When confronted with the allegations of force-feeding the activists meat, using them as latrines, leaving them taped to fast food restaurant dumpsters, and ‘farting on their heads,’ the organizer declined to comment in detail. “That’s just our secret handshake,” assured the organizer.
