Strange & Stupid: Amusing News

*In Fairbanks, Alaska, it’s illegal to serve liquor to a moose. By contrast, in Ohio it’s legal to serve booze to a fish, but not if you get it drunk.

Ever since the repeal of Prohibition, alcohol laws in this country have been a bit nutty.
Take the business of bars. Some states mandate sitting, while others require standing at the bar to drink. Texans may take up to but not more than three sips of beer while standing. Some jurisdictions require the interior of public drinking establishments to be visible from the street; others specifically prohibit that.

*In Iowa it’s illegal to run a tab. And don’t even think of having a drop after closing hours there - not even if you own the bar. It’s hard to imagine the incident that led to Iowa’s law stating that if an employee pours water down the drain while a police officer is drinking at the bar, the water is considered an alcoholic beverage intended for unlawful purposes.
*Bars and restaurants in North Dakota are forbidden to serve beer and pretzels at the same time. Nebraska bars may not sell beer except when simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.
*If you skip the bar and head to a liquor store in Indiana, you won’t find any soda or milk in the cooler. They may, however, sell warm soft drinks. In California, no alcoholic beverages may be displayed within 5 feet of a cash register if the store sells both alcohol and motor fuel. Presumably so you don’t confuse your Colt 45 with your 10W40.

*Philosophical drinkers in Houston might ponder the fact that it’s illegal to buy beer after midnight Sunday but perfectly all right any time Monday, which starts - that’s right - right after midnight Sunday.
*The law considers some things best left unsaid. Like the word refreshing, prohibited on any alcoholic beverage in the country. The newsletters and ads of California producers may not list retailers or restaurants that sell their products.
*In New York City, the word saloon is forbidden, a fact that restaurateur Michael O’Neil didn’t realize until his sign was already up. Patrons now belly up to the bar of O’Neil’s Baloon.

Legislators are adamant about protecting children under 21 from the demon rum. In Missouri, if your kid takes out the trash and it contains even one empty wine bottle, he can be charged with illegal possession of alcohol. In Michigan, it’s illegal for a youngster to give a grown-up a bottle of booze. Pretty lenient, considering that in Kentucky even an adult could spend five years in jail for sending a gift of beer, wine or spirits to a friend.
*If the friend were in Texas, he might have a long wait, anyway, considering that delivery drivers carrying anything alcoholic must detour around the state’s dry counties. Could this sort of clarity of thinking have anything to do with the fact that the entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a recipe for making beer that could be used at home?
*If you decide to send your youngster on a semester abroad to absorb some foreign common sense, don’t imagine he’ll get a taste of wine in Bordeaux or beer at the Hoffbrau Haus. The Drug Free Schools and Campuses Act prohibits Americans under 21 from conforming to the drinking laws and customs of their host countries.

Enough to make you sit down on the curb and cry. Which is perfectly legal in St. Louis, as long as, while you’re sitting there, you don’t also drink beer from a bucket.

If you like this story, be glad you live in Colorado and not Maryland, as this reporter would be unlikely to pass that state’s stringent requirements concerning wine writers. Not only are they restricted to three bottles per brand of product samples, but they must first be certified as experts by an agency of the state.

http://mylivesearch.com/

A Mock Columnist, Amok

I was in my office, writing a column on the injustice of relative marginal tax rates for hedge fund managers, when I saw Stephen Colbert on TV.
He was sneering that Times columns make good “kindling.” He was ranting that after you throw away the paper, “it takes over a hundred years for the lies to biodegrade.” He was observing, approvingly, that “Dick Cheney’s fondest pipe dream is driving a bulldozer into The New York Times while drinking crude oil out of Keith Olbermann’s skull.”
I called Colbert with a dare: if he thought it was so easy to be a Times Op-Ed pundit, he should try it. He came right over. In a moment of weakness, I had staged a coup d’moi. I just hope he leaves at some point. He’s typing and drinking and threatening to “shave Paul Krugman with a broken bottle.”

I Am an Op-Ed Columnist (And So Can You!)
By STEPHEN COLBERT

Surprised to see my byline here, aren’t you? I would be too, if I read The New York Times. But I don’t. So I’ll just have to take your word that this was published. Frankly, I prefer emoticons to the written word, and if you disagree

I’d like to thank Maureen Dowd for permitting/begging me to write her column today. As I type this, she’s watching from an overstuffed divan, petting her prize Abyssinian and sipping a Dirty Cosmotinijito. Which reminds me: Before I get started, I have to take care of one other bit of business:

Bad things are happening in countries you shouldn’t have to think about. It’s all George Bush’s fault, the vice president is Satan, and God is gay.

There. Now I’ve written Frank Rich’s column too.

So why I am writing Miss Dowd’s column today? Simple. Because I believe the 2008 election, unlike all previous elections, is important. And a lot of Americans feel confused about the current crop of presidential candidates.

For instance, Hillary Clinton. I can’t remember if I’m supposed to be scared of her so Democrats will think they should nominate her when she’s actually easy to beat, or if I’m supposed to be scared of her because she’s legitimately scary.

Or Rudy Giuliani. I can’t remember if I’m supposed to support him because he’s the one who can beat Hillary if she gets nominated, or if I’m supposed to support him because he’s legitimately scary.

And Fred Thompson. In my opinion “Law & Order” never sufficiently explained why the Manhattan D.A. had an accent like an Appalachian catfish wrestler.

Well, suddenly an option is looming on the horizon. And I don’t mean Al Gore (though he’s a world-class loomer). First of all, I don’t think Nobel Prizes should go to people I was seated next to at the Emmys. Second, winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you don’t need to care about science, literature or peace.

While my hat is not presently in the ring, I should also point out that it is not on my head. So where’s that hat? (Hint: John McCain was seen passing one at a gas station to fuel up the Straight Talk Express.)

Others point to my new bestseller, “I Am America (And So Can You!)” noting that many candidates test the waters with a book first. Just look at Barack Obama, John Edwards or O. J. Simpson.

Look at the moral guidance I offer. On faith: “After Jesus was born, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word count up.” On gender: “The sooner we accept the basic differences between men and women, the sooner we can stop arguing about it and start having sex.” On race: “While skin and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is good, race cleansing is bad.” On the elderly: “They look like lizards.”

Our nation is at a Fork in the Road. Some say we should go Left; some say go Right. I say, “Doesn’t this thing have a reverse gear?” Let’s back this country up to a time before there were forks in the road — or even roads. Or forks, for that matter. I want to return to a simpler America where we ate our meat off the end of a sharpened stick.

Let me regurgitate: I know why you want me to run, and I hear your clamor. I share Americans’ nostalgia for an era when you not only could tell a man by the cut of his jib, but the jib industry hadn’t yet fled to Guangdong. And I don’t intend to tease you for weeks the way Newt Gingrich did, saying that if his supporters raised $30 million, he would run for president. I would run for 15 million. Cash.

Nevertheless, I am not ready to announce yet — even though it’s clear that the voters are desperate for a white, male, middle-aged, Jesus-trumpeting alternative.

What do I offer? Hope for the common man. Because I am not the Anointed or the Inevitable. I am just an Average Joe like you — if you have a TV show.

Seeing Al Gore so deservedly share the Nobel Peace Prize, it is impossible not to note the contrast in his leadership and that of George W. Bush.

Mr. Gore and Mr. Bush each faced a crucible moment. For Mr. Gore, it was winning the popular vote and having the election taken away from him by a Republican-dominated Supreme Court. For Mr. Bush, it was the shocking terrorist attack on 9/11.

Mr. Gore lost the presidency, but in the dignity and grace with which he gave up his legal fight, he united America. Then, faced with what to do with the rest of his life, he took up a personal crusade to combat climate change, even though the odds were stacked against him, his soapbox was small, his audiences were measured in hundreds, and his critics were legion. Nevertheless, Mr. Gore stuck with it and over time has played a central role in building a global consensus for action on this issue.

“No matter what happens, sooner or later character in leadership is revealed,” said David Rothkopf. “Gore lost the election and had to figure out what to do with the rest of his life. He took the initiative to get the country and the world to focus on a common threat — climate change. Bush won the election and for the first year really didn’t know what to do with it. When, on 9/11, we and the world were suddenly faced with a common threat — terrorism and Al Qaeda — the whole world was ready to line up behind him, but time and again he just divided us at home and abroad.”

Indeed, Mr. Bush, rather than taking all that unity and using it to rebuild America for the 21st century, took all that unity and used it to push the narrow agenda of his “base.” He used all that unity to take a far-right agenda on taxes and social issues that was going nowhere on 9/10 and drive it into a 9/12 world.

Never has so much national unity — which could have been used to develop a real energy policy, reverse our coming Social Security deficit, assemble a lasting coalition to deal with Afghanistan and Iraq, maybe even get a national health care program — been used to build so little. That is what historians will note most about Mr. Bush’s tenure — the sheer wasted opportunity of it all.

“Gore, even without the presidency, used all the modern tools of communication, the Internet, video and globalization to reach out and galvanize a global movement,” Mr. Rothkopf said. “Bush took the greatest platform in the world and dug himself a policy grave.”

Now Mr. Bush is a spent force and Mr. Gore is, apparently, not running. Most of the Democratic candidates mouth the right words, but I don’t sense much real passion. Most of the Republican candidates seem to be brain-dead on the energy/climate challenge. And it is amazing to me how flat-out wrong some conservatives, like Rush Limbaugh, can be on this issue.

They can’t see what is staring us in the face — that in pushing American companies to become greener, we are pushing them to become more productive, more innovative, more efficient and more competitive.

In sum, Al Gore has been justly honored for highlighting — like no one else — the climate challenge. But we still need a vision, a strategy, an army and a commander in the White House who can inspire young and old — not only to meet that challenge but to see in it the opportunity to make America a better, stronger and more productive nation. This is our crucible moment.

click here

I can’t say I wouldn’t do the exact same thing….

A lorry driver who attacked a student who told him he resembled X Factor judge Simon Cowell has been ordered to pay him £100 compensation.
Anthony Calvert, 45, flew into a rage when holidaymaker Adam Davies, 19, told him: “You look just like Simon Cowell”.
Calvert, of Trefechan, Aberystwyth, hit Mr Davies, of Aberdare, Rhondda Cynon Taf, five times in the face, and admitted causing actual bodily harm.

Aberystwyth magistrates also gave him a suspended three-month prison sentence.

Prosecutor Craig Jones said: “Mr Davies remarked that he looked like Simon Cowell. Calvert asked him if he was serious and Mr Davies said: ‘Yes, I am’

“Without further comment, Calvert then punched to him to the face several times.”

I was just shocked and didn’t see it coming at all
Calvert then left the Fountain Inn pub in Aberystwyth, but returned later and again hit Mr Davies.
Mr Davies suffered a swollen lip, bruised cheek and nose and a swollen forehead.

The student told magistrates: “I made a jest about him looking like Simon Cowell. I don’t know why - it was just a bit of a joke.

“Then he punched me five times.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/wales/mid_/7149503.stm

BELLAIRE — A Moundsville fugitive who managed to elude police for nearly two weeks was arrested in a Bellaire home Thursday while attempting to conceal his identity with a wig.

Bellaire police Lt. William Shallcross said Patrick Joseph Hall, 21, was arrested at 3210 Monroe St. in the All-American Town [?] at 7 p.m. Thursday. Shallcross said Hall was being held on a warrant for burglary and assault on an officer.

“Hall was taken to the Belmont County Jail and is now awaiting extradition to West Virginia,” Shallcross said late Thursday.

Shallcross said Bellaire officers received a tip about Hall from Trooper William Lemon of the West Virginia State Police. “Once we got the tip, we had an idea where he would probably be. Bridgeport and Shadyside units backed us up, and we went to the residence to make the arrest,” he said.

Though Hall allegedly had threatened there would be a shootout if police attempted to take him into custody on charges that stemmed from a November burglary in the Moundsville area, Shallcross said the suspect did not resist arrest Thursday.

“He did not attempt to resist arrest, but he did try to hide and tried to conceal his identity by wearing a wig. Obviously, that didn’t work,” Shallcross said.

Police attempted to arrest Hall Dec. 15 for burglary, but he reportedly jumped from the window of his home before fleeing on foot. Three days later, he avoided police and escaped from the Dorsey Apartments in Moundsville. The search for Hall included 25 homes over the course of those three days.

“We also believe there are some people who gave him some assistance in hiding from us, and these individuals could be charged with aiding and abetting,” Lemon said, noting those individuals suspected of helping Hall include residents of both Ohio and West Virginia.

COOKEVILLE, Tenn. — The family of a 10-year-old girl who received an MP3 video player for Christmas was shocked when it found the player was loaded with explicit songs and pornographic movie clips.

Cookeville resident Daryl Hill said his daughter was thrilled to find that Santa had left an MP3 player under the tree — until she turned it on.

“Within 10 minutes, my daughter was crying,” Hill told Nashville, Tenn., TV station WSMV.

There were video clips of XXX-rated sex scenes and the pornography on the player.

“I wish I could take the thoughts and images out of her head,” said Hill.

The Hills had bought three MP3 players for their children that came from a Wal-Mart store in Sparta, Tenn. It turns out one of the MP3 players had been returned to the store from a previous owner who loaded sex clips, graphic war scenes and lyrics about using drugs.

The Hills want to know why Wal-Mart would sell used merchandise as new in the first place, which is in violation of its own policies.

“If they want to be a major retailer, they need to act like it,” said Hill.

The manager at the Sparta Wal-Mart declined comment on the matter and referred WSMV to Wal-Mart’s corporate office.

A Wal-Mart representative e-mailed WSMV confirming that stores are not supposed to return opened packages to the sales floor. They said they are working to get to the bottom of the problem.

The Hills said they have declined Wal-Mart’s offer to replace the MP3 player. They’ve already bought their daughter a new one and are hanging onto the controversial one until they talk to a lawyer.

Today’s piece is written by Carol Mendelsohn, member of the WGA Negotiating Committee as well as showrunner and executive producer of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, and co-creator and executive producer of CSI: Miami and CSI: New York.

Once, a long time ago in Upstate New York, far above Cayuga’s waters, on a cold winter’s night in a rundown cockroach infested dump that passed for a house in Collegetown, one of my roommates drew a picture of me. She did this because it was Saturday night and she wanted me to go out and I wanted to stay in and watch TV. (Footnote: back in the seventies, Saturday night was the best night of television. ALL IN THE FAMILY. MASH. MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW. CAROL BURNETT SHOW. LOVE BOAT. Imagine that).

Anyway, upon seeing the drawing, my other roommates heartily nodded their approval, for Ilene Greenberg had captured the true essence of me with her number two pencil and a sheet of plain white paper. (INSERT CSI SHOT HERE).

Okay, I’ll give you a clue, which is what I mostly do when I’m not walking the picket line for a fair deal in new media. My head was square. And protruding from the top of my pancake flat skull were two rabbit ears. Not the plushy, furry kind. Ilene had drawn a human television set. (Second Footnote: This was the Dark Ages, before plasmas, DirecTV, Electronic Sell Through and Streaming).

I was one of the first viewers to loyally embrace television. I was only three when my family’s first black and white TV set was plugged into the living room wall. It was more cabinet than TV, but I loved it with a passion that has consumed my entire life.

I quickly became a walking encyclopedia of TV facts and trivia. I watched everything, which in Chicago was only three network stations and the great WGN, Channel 9, which played Hollywood movies, all day and all night, when the Cubs weren’t in season.

My childhood, except for school and going to movies on State Street, revolved around that TV. It was years later that I found out people actually feared television was going to destroy the movie business. If they’d only asked me, I could’ve told them TV wasn’t going to cannibalize theatricals. TV was additive. Love one, love both.

In high school, one of my teachers took an informal poll. She asked our class, “How many hours of TV do you watch a week?” I watched 49 hours. From the moment I got up in the morning to the moment I went to sleep. TV was my best friend.

In study hall, while others were studying, I was conjuring up episodes of the Big Valley and The Virginian in my head. I could hear the voices of my favorite characters. And when a line I made up didn’t sound right, I’d rewrite it. Some things never change.

I never told anyone about these ‘voices’. I didn’t want to be labeled as a crazy. It wasn’t until I got my first staff job that I confessed my eccentricity. And that’s when I discovered that someone else heard voices, too.

Writers hear voices. Which is why I never think of writing as writing. To me, it’s more like dictation. Which raises a fundamental question. If I’m not doing the writing, who is?

Due to the overwhelming sense of camaraderie and solidarity I now feel toward all writers on the picket lines, at Friday rallies and membership meetings, I can be honest here. I believe that when certain WGA members pass on, they go to a Writers Room in the sky. And when you are stuck on a scene or a story isn’t working, if you just ‘knock on the door of the universe’ before you go to sleep and ask for help, those Writers in the Sky will pull an all-nighter and have a fix for you in the morning. (Third Footnote: This in no way should be construed as a template for a Streaming or Electronic Sell Through deal, as no payment is involved).

A writer is born, but never dies. His or her work lives on. Even in the head of some kid from Chicago.

So why do I write? I write because I hear the voices of those Writers in the Sky. And I believe there’s a deal to be made that will put us all back to work, but that it has to be negotiated by people on both sides of the table who know the value of those voices.

Two men, one with a suspected broken jaw, have been airlifted from the Antarctic’s most remote research facility after an incident described as a “drunken Christmas punch-up”.
The brawl happened at the US-operated Amundsen-Scott South Pole station, located at the heart of the frozen continent. The station, where staff carry out a range of scientific investigations from astrophysics to seismology, is currently being rebuilt in a £76m project.

They were flown back to McMurdo, but it was decided the man’s injuries were too serious to be treated in Antarctica and he was taken on to Christchurch, New Zealand, accompanied by a nurse and a paramedic.
Many of the McMurdo staff had been expecting a day off for Christmas but support workers returned to work to deal with the rare emergency medical evacuation.

A spokeswoman at Christchurch Hospital said a man was admitted on Christmas Day and discharged the following day.

“There was an altercation between two people — there’s no indication of the cause or of the background between the two folks,” said Peter West, spokesman for the National Science Foundation which manages the US Antarctic programme.

The injured man is an employee of Raytheon Polar Services, one of America’s largest defence contractors. A company spokeswoman, Val Carroll, said an investigation into the incident would be held. She said it was company policy not to release names of the two men.

The other man involved in the incident has flown back to the United States.

Polar medivac flights are rare occurrences, one of the most dramatic being a midwinter flight in 1999 for a woman doctor who developed breast cancer and needed urgent treatment.